"When nothing goes right ... go left."

When I got married, my whole life was set out before me.  School, children, the whole package.  It was a simple enough plan, and I was happy with it.

When my marriage ended, the plan changed.  Now, my goal was simply to be happy again.  After that, when my mom got sick, things started unraveling faster than I could keep up.  Nothing was stable, nothing was sure, and I've never been the type to handle change very well.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that Disney saved me.  It gave me a series of simple goals, things I could handle: Survive the College Program.  Find a place to live once it was finished.  Keep my job.  Make magic.  And I am grateful for it every single day.

But even here, things change.  Disney is sometimes the only thing that is stable.  Housing situations change.  Financial problems arise. Hearts are broken, opportunities missed, and it's far too easy to drown in the panic that comes with knowing how close you are to falling apart.

But I haven't fallen apart.  Not yet.  Because something happened shortly after I moved down here, a little more than a year ago : I finally started becoming the person I always wanted to be.  Someone who could handle change.  Someone who could bounce back.  A fighter.  A survivor.

I've been through more in the last two years than most women my age have to cope with in a decade.  And I'm at peace with it.  All of it.  I want to be the type who can fight through the hard times and come out on the other side a stronger person.  I want to have the courage to follow new paths.  When nothing goes right ... I want to be brave enough to go left.

Somebody know me too well ...

I went back to Virginia a couple of weeks ago ... It was beautiful, and terrible all at once.  There's no easy way to dive back into a painful past.  Memories and feelings will resurface.  And, in my case, you might be forced to deal with some things you've been avoiding for almost a year.  And when Brayden and I finally got a chance to talk face-to-face, we finally realized exactly where we were.

The marriage didn't work.  But the relationship did.  And when you've already married your best friend, how can anything else ever come close again?

That's the fear.  It's not that I'll die alone, or I won't find someone who makes me happy ... it's wondering if I'll ever find someone who knows me that well ever again.  Someone who loves me for all of my little annoying quirks, and knows how to deal with them.  Someone who makes long road trips fun.  Someone who knows my darkest side, but can still bring out the best in me. I just want someone to know me again, even better than I know myself.  And I'm scared every day that no one is ever going to want to. And even more scared that one day someone will, and I won't trust them enough to let them in.

As always, the music says it better than I ever could 

The Abbreviated Update

ab.bre.vi.at.ed -- adjective

1. shortened; made briefer
2. constituting a smaller or shorter version of

The long and short of it is, things have changed. Life is changing, often faster than I can keep up with. So I'll try my best to get everything out as quickly as I can, before things turn upside down on me all over again.

• Brayden and I are separated, and in the process of getting a divorce. Some of you have heard rumors, but now it's official. Let it be known that this is no one's fault. We both still love each other very much, and we're still the best of friends. But it wasn't the right time, and we will both be happier in the end. Morgan, Greta, Sarah and Chelsea, you have all been exceptionally supportive and helpful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

• I'm living at home now, but not for long. On January 25th I'll be heading south to Orlando to work at Disneyworld! The silver lining in all of this is the wonderful new opportunities that are now in front of me. I've been offered a job with the Disney College Program, so my spring semester will be spent in the happiest place on earth! 

• I am actively working on my book, for once :) I'm on track to be mostly, if not completely, finished by the time I leave for Florida. If I'm not finished by then, I apologize in advance to my roommates.  Listening to me complain loudly and vehemently about people who don't actually exist can be entertaining, but a little confusing :)

So that's done. Now we're all on the same page. Love to you all, and Happy Holidays.

Project Mode

I've been getting that itch again.  The need to create, to build, to MAKE something.  Of course, the problem with my creative impulses is that I'm truly not all that creative.  I don't have the natural gift for color composition, or beadwork or sewing or even cooking.
And so, I often find myself sitting amidst a mess of fabric, string, and hot glue, DESPERATELY trying to make something appealing, or remotely attractive.

It rarely works out that way.

So tonight, I decided to start small. I'm heading into summer break and, with the exception of one class and the Maymester Musical, I'm going to be relatively free. I've already decided to spend much of my time learning new recipes in an attempt to become a better cook, but now I've added the crafting aspect to my Homemaker Training.

Anyway, here was my project of the night. I don't have a "Before" picture for you, so you'll just have to imagine the lamp without fringe.

I think it went rather well.  However, it's the only one of my projects tonight that did :( Since Brayden is off doing important pre-med homeworky things, I stayed in project mode.  And now, I have to go clean the kitchen.


... Like I said, THIS was the only project that worked out ... Including my dinner.

Paper

Brayden and I recently celebrated our one year anniversary. As you may know, it's the "paper" anniversary.  So, we spent it ordering books online from Barnes and Noble :) I simply cannot think of a better way to spend an anniversary, can you?

That night after rehearsal we were able to ACTUALLY celebrate. Bread bowl stew, just like we had a year ago (hotel room service absolutely rocks, by the way), sparkling grape juice compliments of Amaree (Thank you for the gifts! We loved them!), and the alcohol-free wine that we bought on the way to the wedding hotel and have been holding on to ever since because we never got a corkscrew.

And, of course, the traditional year-old cake, which had been sitting in my parents' freezer for a year and had been transferred to the Cluff's (while we were house-sitting) and then ours (in the new apartment, when we finally remembered to take it over there.)

We were frankly surprised at how fresh the cake tasted. It had been frozen and un-frozen and RE-frozen through the moving process and, after all, it WAS a year old. But it was delicious! I called my mom in the morning to brag about it. Turns out, the magical cake wasn't exactly a year old. Apparently our actual cake top got ruined somehow and so, loving woman that she is, Mom had another one made. Identical to the first, and picked up the day before they brought it to us. So, no, we did not have the traditional "anniversary" cake. But we thought it was, so that's all that matters :)

Downhill

The thing about going downhill on a bike is this : Part of your mind is always going "Hey, I'm on a bike, so this is exercise! It's not as bad as I thought it would be!" Forget the fact that you're not pedaling, or even breaking a mild sweat at that point. It's all in your head.

But whether or not you chose to give in to this part of your mind and believe that you are becoming a more physically fit person by soaring downhill at incredible and sometimes psychotic speeds, going down is an important part of the biking process. Not only because it's a break from the painful uphill that threatens to kill you off, but because you did, after all, have to go up to reach it in the first place. It's not only your break, it's your reward. Somehow, riding downhill if you've simply walked your bike uphill is never quite as thrilling. I always feel a little bit guilty for wimping out, and I can't enjoy the ride down as much as I should.

At the risk of sounding incredibly corny, I believe life, especially student life, can be looked at the same way. Maybe it's just me, but I never trust something that comes too easy. Grades, health, physical fitness. Love. I think that if we succeed in these areas, it's because we've worked for them. Because we were willing to sacrifice more in the beginning to have more in the end. I went through six years of chorus line roles and bit parts before I ever got a lead, and I don't regret a bit of it. I never would have appreciated getting a bigger part if I didn't know what it took to get there, and if I hadn't been willing to work for it.

I'm getting married in August, and I'm facing all manner of sacrifices. In fact, Brayden keeps telling me, "Less now equals more later." I agree with him. Yes, the first year of marriage is the hardest. But the couples who make it through are even stronger. We're willing to work for what we have, because it's important to us. And every now and then in the uphill life, we get that breath of fresh air as we soar downhill. A break. A reward. But we have to ride all the way to the top of that hill first. Then, the downhill is truly worth it.

**image lovingly borrowed from http://mtnbikersblog.blogspot.com/