Normal

At 22, most people are only just starting to think about marriage, rather than just getting out of one. In college, you're supposed to be a little bit immature. A little irresponsible, staying up too late and going out and partying ... that's what I've been told, anyway. That's what I'm surrounded by day after day. And while I'm not really a partying kinda girl, there are times when I envy the "dancing through life" mentality.

Your average 22-year-old isn't spending their day off on the phone with lawyers. Or paying off the balance on their couple's counseling bill. Or worrying about taking care of loved ones. And I don't mind doing it, any of it. This is just another piece of my puzzle, a chapter in my story. And if I feel a little out of place sometimes, I just remind myself that this puts me ahead of the game. I can be responsible, I can be mature, I can handle things.

But tonight, for one night, I get to forget about all of it. Magic Kingdom is going to be open for 24 hours today, in honor of Leap Day. And so, from 11 PM to about 5 AM tomorrow morning, I am going to party. For one night, the most important thing in life is living, and living it up. For just one night, I am bound and determined to be normal.

"Deal with me"

Every now and then I get hit with a very obvious "Hello, I am your drama. Deal with me now." It usually happens when I'm least expecting it, and it unbalances me in a way that makes me grasp at any outlet, any stability to keep me going. Whether it's cleaning the apartment for the hundredth time, or just talking to a friend about simple little nothings, I need something to hold me together.

Today was one of those days. Mom started her chemotherapy today, which I was expecting. This is a good thing. It means we're on the road to recovery! Well, remission, but that's another story for another time. A time when it's not one in the morning, and I can actually handle the details ... But, as I said, today was one of those days. Where I was going along perfectly fine, handling myself and life and all that entails, and then suddenly I was drowning. Everything caught up to me all at once. The very idea that my mother, the strongest woman I know, was going through this right now hit me, and all of the things I've been pushing away came with it. Prominent among them : the overwhelming feeling that I can't do this.

I can't take care of myself, why would anyone in the world think I can? I have been so spoiled it's ridiculous, and now I'm on my own.

And then I realized that it's not the self-sufficiency that scares me, I can handle that. It's not the being away from home, I can handle that, too. I can handle going home and helping the family if need be, and I can handle being responsible for myself.

No, the thing that pushed me over the edge is knowing that I'm going through this alone. I mean, I know I have friends. Some very, very good friends. And wonderful family. And I'm not going through nearly as much pain and heartache right now as some. But, emotionally, I still feel like there should be someone there to hold me when things get this way. Someone to tell me everything is going to be alright, and just let me cry without being ashamed. I had that someone for so many of the times that I thought I needed it, and now when I need it  the most, it's gone.

As I said in my last post, I am a big girl. I can take care of myself. But sometimes, I wish I didn't have to ...

Diamonds

"A diamond is a piece of charcoal that handled stress exceptionally well." ~unknown

When I was first planning to come down to Florida, Brayden told me something along the lines of "You don't have to tell people you were married. You can just be you."

I understand why he felt this way ... my whole life story comes off as a little intimidating, and he just wants me to be happy and fit in.

Bless him for that.

But here's the thing : I know I am not my mistakes. I am moving forward and moving on, and I am not stuck in my past. But my past has made me who I am. All of these things are a part of me, and a part of my story. And I am not ashamed of them. Every single thing that has happened over the past few years has made me stronger. And everything that is happening now, no matter how hard it is, can be overcome.

I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. And while I don't want to throw my "drama" in people's faces (it's my burden to bear, after all) this is still my story. I wouldn't trade it for anyone else's. And maybe I'm still learning who I am and how to deal with things, but that's life. It's not about how big your problems are, it's about how you handle them.

The Waiting Place

"Waiting for the fish to bite, or waiting for the wind to fly a kite, or waiting around for a Friday night. Or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake. Or a pot to boil. Or a better break. Or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants, or a wig with curls, or another chance"

Oh, the Places You'll Go

I have never been a patient person. I do not know the meaning of "take it slow." I leap without looking and push myself so hard that I often make myself sick. I don't slow down, and I don't give up.

Sometimes, this works to my advantage. It has helped fuel a strong work ethic, and it helped me try to keep my marriage together even when I wanted nothing more than to escape. Granted, the marriage ended in its own time anyway, but I still fought when so many others would have given up.

But now ... now I'm stuck in that Waiting Place. I cannot help speed my mother's treatments along. I don't know how long they'll take, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I have come to accept the fact that I have to let some things go. I have to breathe, and pray, and let things happen when they will. However, my excess impatient energy seems to have re-focused itself in other areas of my life.

I am no longer content with "someday." My mother had so many "somedays," and now her whole life has shifted. I had "somedays." I had a whole future planned, and now ... well, now my future is a blank canvas. An empty page. There are possibilities and dreams and the crippling fear of failure. My life is now, not someday.

Simple

I love that I live in a place where I can drive with the windows down

I actually love having the highway right outside my window. It's a constant hum that is perfect to fall asleep to, and it's strangely peaceful

I love the people here. I have made some truly wonderful friends, and they have rescued me when I needed it (emotionally, and physically :)

I do so enjoy being surrounded by lizards. I think they're adorable, and they always make me smile

I love my job. I cannot even begin to describe just how much, so for now I won't try

I am grateful for the use of all of my limbs. For the ability to read and write and think. For seeing in color, and the ability to dance and sing and play

I am thankful for flowers and warm socks. Mashed potatoes. New leather journals. Hot chocolate and bubble baths and black-and-white movies

I am trying to keep positive. I am keeping my chin up. I am choosing to see the light instead of the dark. But the simple fact is, things are not always light, and there are going to be times when these posts are less than happy. When I have to address my mother's cancer. When my divorce finally goes through, and I have some sort of break down. (I promise you, it WILL happen.) But until then, I choose to focus on this. These simple little things that make every day special, and make me smile. And I hope they can make you smile a little too, whoever you are.

Where you lead, I will follow ...

I've been sitting here for awhile now, trying to think of an elegant way put my thoughts out there. But the sad truth is, sometimes human thoughts and emotions aren't elegant, or profound, or beautiful. They are raw and unpolished. So this is me, trying to bring everything together.

On Friday, February 10th 2012, my whole family's life was drastically altered. A long-awaited doctor's appointment confirmed everyone's worst fears : my mother's health problems are, in fact, cancer. Severity unknown, origin unknown. Treatment plan in the works.

She'll be OK, she has to be. She is one of the strongest people I know, and if she has anything to say about it, she's going to come through this even stronger than before. But it doesn't change the fact that we are all in for the fight of our lives.

My mother is the backbone of our family, and she is my best friend. People meet us and they think we're sisters. They often compare us to Lorelai and Rory of "The Gilmore Girls," which we take with pride since that show is very important to us. Now, I have siblings, and a father, so our family dynamic isn't nearly the same as our television heroines, but it doesn't matter. She is always there for me, and I am always there for her. But this, I cannot help with. I am useless. And there's this horrible, pressing guilt that nobody can talk me out of feeling ... she should have gone to the doctor months ago. But she was so busy taking care of me, and all of my problems. She was doing what any mother would do, and I love her for that, but I cannot shake that guilt. 

All I can do now is be supportive in every way possible. My parents don't want me to come home just yet, because everything is going so well for me here, but they know I'm only a phone call away. Mom, I am always only a phone call away. I'll hop in the car and drive all night if you ask me to. I love you. And I believe in wishes, and miracles, and dreams coming true. Every wish is for you.

All you have to do is call my name, and I'll be there on the next train

Hold your breath ... make a wish ... count to three

"Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." 
~ Roald Dahl

It's easy to go through life only focusing on the bad. Sometimes, it seems as though hardship is the only constant. That happiness is a fleeting moment, not to be expected, and not to be trusted. We get caught up in the day-to-day tragedies and we think, "This is my life." And every time something else happens, it becomes that much easier to give up hope. To accept the fact that life sucks, and there is nothing we can do about it.

And with that kind of attitude, you are absolutely right.

Happiness is a tricky thing. It is all around us, just waiting to be noticed and loved, whereas tragedy strikes us whether we're looking for it or not. It is so much easier to see pain and suffering. Oftentimes it's all we hear about. But if you're looking closely, with an open mind and heart, you'll see how much magic there truly is in life. I see it every day. Even when I'm surrounded by tragedies, even when it seems as though everything is falling apart.

I see it in all the little princesses who come to see Mickey and his friends. Those little girls still believe in Happily Ever After, and Prince Charming, and dancing. I see it in the smiles of the grown-ups on their first visits, just as excited as their children to see their favorite character. I see it every time we have an anniversary couple come to visit, because I know how hard it can be to keep that kind of magic alive. And I see it in every single "Make a Wish" child, and the pure love their families have for them. There is magic in every one of their stories, if we look for it.

Someone else might see the screaming babies, the frazzled parents and the bored teenagers. I see a family who still cared enough to go on vacation together. You may see Christmas lights wrapped around trees, I see fairies coming out to play. A handful of glitter becomes pixie dust.  A simple tiara hair clip makes a girl into "Your Highness."

And wishes DO come true.

Behind the Curtain

Today marks one week in Orlando. One week of learning. Of training. Of bonding with my roommates and fellow cast members. One week surrounded by magic, and seeing it come to life.

Some people have (understandably) been somewhat disappointed to now be on this side of "the curtain." They see how the magic works, and they miss just watching. I won't go into the specifics, but I'm sure you can imagine.

I, however, feel completely the opposite. Stepping behind the curtain, and seeing how everything comes together is simply overwhelming, and my belief in the magic has only grown with each passing day. I can see the pieces, and I know just how many things can go wrong. But knowing that so many people have come together for so many years to put on this show ... they put aside their differences to create a dream. They build memories. They are a part of something bigger than themselves. In this world, how often does something as happy and beautiful as this really, truly survive?

Here, we believe in magic. And dreams. And pixie dust. And smiles. And happily ever afters.

That, I think, is the true magic of Disney.

"I only hope that we don't lose sight of one thing -- that it was all started by a mouse." ~Walt Disney