"Deal with me"

Every now and then I get hit with a very obvious "Hello, I am your drama. Deal with me now." It usually happens when I'm least expecting it, and it unbalances me in a way that makes me grasp at any outlet, any stability to keep me going. Whether it's cleaning the apartment for the hundredth time, or just talking to a friend about simple little nothings, I need something to hold me together.

Today was one of those days. Mom started her chemotherapy today, which I was expecting. This is a good thing. It means we're on the road to recovery! Well, remission, but that's another story for another time. A time when it's not one in the morning, and I can actually handle the details ... But, as I said, today was one of those days. Where I was going along perfectly fine, handling myself and life and all that entails, and then suddenly I was drowning. Everything caught up to me all at once. The very idea that my mother, the strongest woman I know, was going through this right now hit me, and all of the things I've been pushing away came with it. Prominent among them : the overwhelming feeling that I can't do this.

I can't take care of myself, why would anyone in the world think I can? I have been so spoiled it's ridiculous, and now I'm on my own.

And then I realized that it's not the self-sufficiency that scares me, I can handle that. It's not the being away from home, I can handle that, too. I can handle going home and helping the family if need be, and I can handle being responsible for myself.

No, the thing that pushed me over the edge is knowing that I'm going through this alone. I mean, I know I have friends. Some very, very good friends. And wonderful family. And I'm not going through nearly as much pain and heartache right now as some. But, emotionally, I still feel like there should be someone there to hold me when things get this way. Someone to tell me everything is going to be alright, and just let me cry without being ashamed. I had that someone for so many of the times that I thought I needed it, and now when I need it  the most, it's gone.

As I said in my last post, I am a big girl. I can take care of myself. But sometimes, I wish I didn't have to ...