Public Restrooms ...

... are sleazy, slimy, smelly, crowded, cramped and all-around gross. And women are insane when it comes to restrooms. Every one of them seems to think that their needs are far superior to the needs of everyone else in the thirty-foot line. And they let their kids run around and look under doors and wreak havoc with the automatic dryers.

And really, how hard is it to keep the countertops clean and dry? You're grabbing a paper towel to dry your hands anyway. An extra second and a half and you can wipe up the soapy scummy wet mess you made while washing your hands.

Public restrooms are messy, and in constant disrepair. Why? Because they are built to be that way. I mean really, think about it. I can't speak for the guys (having only been in a men's bathroom on a few choice occasions) but when women's restrooms are built nicer, they stay clean. When they put wallpaper up and put a "lounge" area just outside them. When it smells nice, because the company has spent the extra three bucks a month and gotten automatic air fresheners. The purpose of the restroom hasn't changed, and yet no doors are ripped off hinges. Toilet paper isn't trailing all over the floor. The countertops aren't wet and gooey. But grey tile and grey doors and two inches of wiggle room in every direction, and no wonder the ordinary public restrooms are treated as they are.

The best public restroom I've ever been to was in New York City, at a restaurant called Mars 2112 . It was clean, it was "themed" without being glitzy and tacky, and it had an attendant. Someone who was paid to stay there and clean up after every single use. She refilled toilet paper the second it was out. She was constantly wiping the countertops and cleaning the mirrors, and she was actually pretty fun to talk to. For a position like that, you've really got to get someone with personality. But she had it, and she made going to the bathroom in a public venue, something I generally avoid, tolerable.

I'll be honest. The food itself was nothing to write home about. But I'd rather go to Mars 2112 again than some of the other places we went that trip. Not because of the theme necessarily (although it was cute and fun) but because I respect a company who cares about all aspects of its business. A friend in the fast food industry once told me, "You wanna know where to eat, you check their bathrooms first. Because I guarantee you they'll be cleaner than the kitchen." Now that is a scary thought.

Public restrooms freak me out. But the bright side to all this is that the particular restroom that triggered this rant was at Union Station. In DC. Which means, I'M IN WASHINGTON DC! Which means I'm getting married tomorrow. Which means that none of this is really important in the grand scheme of things, because tomorrow at this time I'll be at the temple getting dressed, about to marry the most wonderful man on the planet.