Weak

I don't like crying. It makes me feel weak. I don't like to cry, or wallow, or miss people ... but somehow I got caught in this weird cycle today, and I started missing somebody. A good friend who I don't really talk to anymore. (Who will not read this, I guarantee it.)

I didn't mean to start missing him. I've spent a very long time lately trying not to miss him, in fact. He was my first friend here in Orlando. Someone who was always there for me when I just needed to talk. Someone who managed to always make me forget all of the pain that I was going through. And when we stopped talking awhile back, I told myself that I'd built up the friendship as something more important than it really was. Just a reaction to the new environment, just someone to fill the time.

But tonight I was reading through past conversations looking for a quote, or a piece of advice he'd given me once ... can't really remember now. Either way, I suddenly realized that I have every reason to miss him. And I want to fix things so badly it hurts.

And from there, I got sucked into an even bigger cycle of missing everybody that I've lost recently. From school friends that I feel like I abandoned to the husband that I'm about to be completely and legally separated from forever. His family, who I love and miss. Even my college program roommates, who I feel like I lost any and all connection with while I was in the show back in April. By the end of all this, I somehow ended up desperately missing every one of my high school friends and wishing I was a Senior again.

Why is that? Why are these connections so important to us as a species, and how can it be so painful when they only go one way? I don't understand.

I don't understand how things that seem so right can suddenly go so wrong.  How love fades. Trust dwindles. People drift apart.  And I don't understand how I ended up here.

But I know that I don't like feeling weak. And I don't know what to do about it. Because the truth is, I don't make friends very easily. And I don't take it very well when they're gone.  The friends I have now? They're amazing, and I love them. But I just know something will happen, and they won't be around forever. I'm scared of losing them.

And fear makes you weak.

Yup, I'm in trouble.